Happy Birthday, Momma.

How heavy the sorrow is

Upon my chest

When I think of you


How deep the ache

When I call you to mind


Missing you

Is like grasping for air

In my burning lungs

And coming up empty


The memory

Of your laugh,

Of your smile,

Of the way you used to look at me when I teased you,

Stirs so much longing within my heart.


My eyes become like streams of water

When I recall how cold you were

On that table

How your chill somehow penetrated the depths of my being

Just like your warmth used to.


It wounds me to remember how you couldn’t hold my hand

When it took everything in me to reach for yours.

When it took everything in me to touch you,

To hold you,

And you weren’t there to hold me back.


I just wanted to take you and run

But I couldn’t

Because you carried the weight of death.

Only Jesus can hold that kind of weight.


I know this sounds cliche

But it was different

When you weren’t there for our birthdays.

And it’s not your fault

So don’t feel bad

We just didn’t realize

How vast of an impact in which you had.


What I’m trying to say is

I miss you

And, well,

Happy Birthday to you too.

We will all be together

Just like you always wanted

Being merry and cherishing each other

And the gift it was to do life with you.


I love you, Momma.

See you soon,

Ash.

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