Happy Birthday, Momma

how heavy the sorrow is
upon my chest
when I think of you

how deep the ache
when I call you to mind

missing you
is like grasping for air
in my burning lungs
and coming up 
empty

the memory
of your laugh
your smile
the look you used to pin me with
when I teased you 
or scared you
stirs so much longing within my heart

my eyes become like streams of water
when I recall how cold you were
on that table
how your chill 
somehow penetrated the depths 
of my being 
just like your warmth
used to 

It wounds me to remember 
how you couldn't hold my hand
when it took everything 
to reach for yours 
when it took everything 
to touch you
to hold you
and you weren't there
to hold me back
that day I learned
bodies 
are a shell

I wanted to take you and run
for it to not be real
I wanted to scream or
die so I wouldn't feel

it was different
you not being around 
on our birthdays
realizing we have to 
raise ourselves 
from now on 
and for the rest of our lives 
we wont get cheesy cards
one day a year
telling us to pray
and that you're proud
God knows how we took those
and you 
for granted

what I'm trying to say is
I miss you 
and 
Happy Birthday to you too
we will all be together 
just this once and just 
for you 
but now that you're gone
I am the glue 
you always told me I was
and forgive me 
my dear mother 
but I'm still too young
to bear the weight 
of your absence