In this current season of life, the Lord is teaching me not only how to listen to Him, but how to obey Him. It is hard. I don’t think I have ever really brought something I want to the Lord before, because when I did recently I got an answer that kind of throws me off guard: “no”. Maybe I’m not used to hearing no or I don’t even ask in the first place. I suppose my relationship with the Lord has had a very “ask for forgiveness, not permission” kind of vibe. Yikes. I’m just figuring that out. I could be discouraged about living in such ignorance, however, I choose to be thankful for this, um, “exposure.” Lol. This is a good thing.
Back to the point, I’m freakin bummed that God won’t give me what I want. Straight up. But I know He’s got some good plan cooking up in which I will get to partake in the body of Christ and build it up! That trumps everything. When God told me no, I all the sudden started asking Him if He was sure, like, really really sure. It’s funny to me how I am quick to question in the disagreeable moments and trust in the agreeable ones. SO typical. In these past weeks since He laid it on me, I’ve been trying to figure out how to “deal” with it. It has involved a lot of dying to self. I wake up most mornings with this thing on my mind, honestly this idol, and have to choose to trust God with it. Throughout the day I am bombarded with potentially consuming thoughts and I have the choice to turn to the Lord or pity myself because I feel “lacking”.
Side note: I have realized that obedience in the Christian life is just made up of a million tiny moments of obedience and trust, not one big decision.
In this situation, He is training me to think differently when it comes time for decision. He’s drawing me to Himself first thing. Whenever feelings/ yearnings/ fears/ etc come up, it is becoming my first instinct to turn to Him. Maybe that was the whole point of Him saying no. So that I would turn to Him more often, so that I would see Him as a God that isn’t just enough but one that is completely satisfying. Oh Lord, I am open to what You wanna teach me and I invite You deeper into my heart to gain what You desire. But I don’t want to be open to the Lord so that He’ll give me the thing I want. I sense that in myself. I am a little snake I swear. Lord, let Your light shine upon Your servant, she needs grace!
When the Man says no, I am learning to trust that maybe He actually does know better than I do. And maybe I have an issue with entitlement and pride. I am so ugly without Him, really not a fan of this whole being broken thing. It’s gross, but it is so good because it shows me that everything I crave: all the good, the beauty, the justice, the tenderness, the strength, it is all in the Lord. It comes from Him! So if I want a life filled with those things, I know in whom to find it. The reason my spirit won’t let me go after this thing the Lord said no to is because I know that without Him in it, the pursuit would end up fruitless. Theoretically I could go after this thing, but if I did I wouldn’t have the fullness of life that I have now and it would most likely not work out the way I would like. No pursuit ever does.
So, I am still trying to “deal” with the aftermath of the big no, but I am growing in life and peace because He is drawing my to set my mind on the Spirit. That has been sweet. He knows best, and He will not give me something that will hurt me even though I want it. So shoutout to the Lord for loving me better than I can love myself.
Lord, in light of all of these experiences and of who You are, I accept Your no with a grateful heart. I love you and Your big ass heart and mind (cuz ur wise). Keep us open to ya, Jesus.