Here I am
at the end of my rope
unable to breathe on my own.
What does it even mean to “cope”?
I feel like I’ve been cut to the bone.
Will I implode
or crumble into dust and ashes
just like the woman whom I held so dear
only to have her disappear.
If I do crumble
will You go with me?
Will You enter into the ruins of my heart
and choose to have a part
in mending what is shattered?
Just please be with me,
not just to fix me.
You are all that matters.
Eyes on you
Not on me
This is how You transform my being
I think I want to try
to get lost in You
instead of in my own mind.
I want to stop kicking You out
and making You sleep on the couch.
I want to invite You into my bed,
because for me,
Your blood ran red.
But I want more than just a grateful love.
I want a love that is beautiful–
one like the eyes of doves.
I need a love that will heal me
I need a love that will cause me to breathe
because I’ve been holding my breath for so long
fighting against the dependence of this song.
Oh Lord, will I ever learn
how to love without concern
those who “disturb my peace?”
Maybe they, and I, need to come to the feast.
So grant me your grace
to mourn well through this day
and to turn my heart toward You
as often as it’s due.
Maybe this time I won’t go my own way
because when I do, I miss out on You
and I don’t want to.
But I do what I don’t want, and
I don’t want what I do.
Please save me from myself,
I love You.
If I do crumble,
or go my own way,
at least I can hold fast
to the tender words You say.
Although they’re backwards
from the world that I know,
they have the power to show me
You are the love that will never let me go.
Thank You for drawing me day by day
to gain me in a lasting way
and to tell me that,
no matter my position,
You’ll love me without condition.
Here is a piece of scripture that has touched my heart and inspired these last few poems:
“Rebuke your mother, rebuke her,
for she is not my wife,
and I am not her husband.
Let her remove the adulterous look from her face
and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts.
3 Otherwise I will strip her naked
and make her as bare as on the day she was born;
I will make her like a desert,
turn her into a parched land,
and slay her with thirst.
4 I will not show my love to her children,
because they are the children of adultery.
5 Their mother has been unfaithful
and has conceived them in disgrace.
She said, ‘I will go after my lovers,
who give me my food and my water,
my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink.’
6 Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
7 She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
‘I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.’
8 She has not acknowledged that I was the one
who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
which they used for Baal.
9 “Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens,
and my new wine when it is ready.
I will take back my wool and my linen,
intended to cover her naked body.
10 So now I will expose her lewdness
before the eyes of her lovers;
no one will take her out of my hands.
11 I will stop all her celebrations:
her yearly festivals, her New Moons,
her Sabbath days—all her appointed festivals.
12 I will ruin her vines and her fig trees,
which she said were her pay from her lovers;
I will make them a thicket,
and wild animals will devour them.
13 I will punish her for the days
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,”
declares the Lord.
14 “Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor[b] a door of hope.
There she will respond[c] as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
16 “In that day,” declares the Lord,
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master.[d]’
17 I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
no longer will their names be invoked.
18 In that day I will make a covenant for them
with the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky
and the creatures that move along the ground.
Bow and sword and battle
I will abolish from the land,
so that all may lie down in safety.
19 I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in[e] righteousness and justice,
in[f] love and compassion.
20 I will betroth you in[g] faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the Lord.
21 “In that day I will respond,”
declares the Lord—
“I will respond to the skies,
and they will respond to the earth;
22 and the earth will respond to the grain,
the new wine and the olive oil,
and they will respond to Jezreel.[h]
23 I will plant her for myself in the land;
I will show my love to the one I called ‘Not my loved one.[i]’
I will say to those called ‘Not my people,[j]’ ‘You are my people’;
and they will say, ‘You are my God.’” “