Finding Love in my mess

In the past week, I have learned more about Jesus’ heart toward me than I have in my whole walk with him thus far. I have been praying the prayer, “Jesus, I believe, make my heart believe,” for a long time, wanting to truly feel His larger than life love for me. And in the waiting He has taught me more than the fact that His timing isn’t my timing, but that His is patient, good and above all, fundamentally loving.

Since I began to walk daily with Jesus, I had so often struggled to believe that He loved me beyond the love one would have for a sister or daughter. I want to be His beloved, I want Him to be taken aback by me, I want to bring Him joy with every part of my body, soul, and spirit. Recently, I have learned that God is very familiar with this longing, the longing to be married, to be one with the beloved, and it had brought me great joy. It is the desire of the Lord to be married, and the purpose of our creation– to be made into His kind and become His bride!

For so long I had brought that longing to man, feeling that if I brought it to the Lord I would be disappointed because I didn’t believe He could offer the kind of intimacy I was looking for. However, this is not so! Not to say that is an invalid feeling. The first question most people ask when it comes to Christianity is, “how can I connect with someone that I can’t experience physically with my senses?” I think about it all the time, and honestly I don’t know! But I do know that Jesus has never been more present and He is working around the clock to make me His.

The moment I let go of expectations of how I want to experience intimacy, I experience it to the full. When I surrender my yearning for connection to the Lord, that is when I am most connected, both to God and to His people. And the more I surrender what I think I want, the more room there is in my heart for what I truly want– Love. And Love is a person, His name is Jesus.

“Love is patient, love is kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not proud. It does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preservers” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

In my quest to get to God and out of my mess, I have found that He desires and takes great pleasure in entering my mess to be with me. My Beloved is not afraid to dwell richly in me, and He helps me pick up my war- torn heart piece by piece. Instead of running from my darkness, He enters it boldly and replaces it with His eternal light. The Father has chosen to make a home, His home, in me, and He proclaims His name and Glory in and through my life fervently. Because he has gifted me with a willing spirit, He unceasingly transforms me into His kind, to be His bride. He Himself has given me verdant life rooted in His own perfect vineyard. This is a gift that will never be taken away from me, even when the earth gives way and my heart grows faint.

I am thankful, for I am much more than a forgiven and redeemed child of God, I am a new creation, the Fathers very own beloved made for His special purpose! It is with great pleasure that I get to proclaim this, but with deep sorrow that I seldom live as if I believe it with all my heart. But when sin increases, grace abounds, and where grace is, the Lord Jesus is found! And therefore I have hope!

Surely His banner over me is Love!

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