Soliloquy #1

I’m thinking about how it would be crazy it would be to be able to see everywhere that’s been touched on a person’s body. Each touch would have a color indicating the toucher’s intention and emotion. Some places would be more concentrated, some would be very pale or have no color at all. Maybe they fade after 7 years or something. Maybe they fade as the intensity and meaning of the experience fades regardless of positive or negative emotional charge. As for the colors, green would obviously be envy- the mark of a consumer. Greedy, greedy green. I wish it could represent new life or growth or freshness instead. I heard that we can see more shades of green than any color. Would red be anger or love? Would anger be red or black? Is sensuality purple? I remember when I asked a guy to explain substack to me. What a waste of his time- and mine. I really like all the Asian shit in my apartment. My co-workers say it’s not “P.C.” to say Oriental anymore. Tea all day. Yerba Mate, nettle and mint in the morning. Rose, chrysanthemum and orange peel in the afternoon. I just did something that reminded me I am strong when I believe it. Stronger, perhaps. I’m not gonna over-spiritualize this dance party. Violet wants a turn in this on this journal. She’s so pimped out for a Duchess. I’m sackel-jerking by myself. Reframing. Literally. I think I like Edgar Allan Poe performatively. He doesn’t get me going like Kavanaugh and Whitman- intimate, embodied, meaningfully obscure, not hiding behind abstraction. I do like how Poe talks about the moon, but is that enough to love an author? Maybe it is, to know they too love the moon enough to overflow. I also have been heavy on “Ars Poetica” by Archibald MacLeish. Really expanding me as a person. it feels good to write it out. Brain dumps- do they empty the cache? I masturbated 3 times this morning- unsure how to feel about it. Trying to figure out the why of it all. Late nights watching BBC specials on metaphysics and space and quantum entanglement. I don’t think about Uranus and Neptune enough. How many people at any given time are thinking about Neptune? Neptune doesn’t have surface features to slow wind and shape weather, so the winds are supersonic and the storms are “linear”. What is it about cherries that’s inherently sexual? The color, the taste, the shape, the form they take in a lover’s mouth? Liked songs on shuffle is such an emotional roller coaster. My brother said he saw our sister in me. Nature vs Nurture. Is Christ being born empathy? I’m taking a 21 year old girl to her first legal happy hour tonight. How the fuck am I already halfway through my 20s? Trying to figure out what this feeling is. Getting older, getting freer, gaining capacity, getting more integrated day by day, more specific. I like this perspective- more life, not less. I was supposed to do the “Drawing is Human” thing. I guess it’s not too late. The Rose of Jericho is blooming. When I saw it my heart burst- tangy and satiating. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until the river drifted into my ears. A meditation. Soft like the idea of young Stevie Nicks. I love the word “ultra”, a luxury word spun cheaply. Do you care enough about people to read memoirs? Does that have to be a gauge of interest and curiosity? I wonder why some music/ instruments hit the hardest. Why do I like what I like? Ice breaker: “what’s your favorite theory?” Not conspiracy. The world is run by them and so are we, even if they’re of our own making- small stories and attempts to fill in mystery. I have one cutting board so my apples taste like garlic.