Tug-of-War

All these pills in my hand
clutched and forgotten and sweaty 
saved or damned?
broken mind and body
can't accept reality 
"trying" isn't the right word
there's a tug-of-war within
neither side wins
I watch shrinking away from myself
somehow further from God
in feeling
afraid of the power and the fall 
knees still scraped up from before 
happiness is a shifty ledge 
when it depends on the outside 
how to love the inside 
maybe these vitamins